Manipulation or Communication?

There is a perception out there that babies will “manipulate” their parents.  A baby’s cries can manipulate you into picking them up when you hadn’t intended to, but that does not make the baby manipulative.

When a new baby cries, it is because they have a need they want met, it is a simple as that.  There is no thought behind it, it’s an instinctual action for them.  Over time, your baby becomes aware of this form of communication and knows that crying will get their needs met.  At this point, a baby that is hungry, cold, or even board will cry with anticipation that you will respond.  Some parents perceive this as manipulation, but the truth is far from it.

A 6 month old has no words to tell you how they are feeling and don’t even necessarily understand what they are feeling.  They cannot tell you they are wet, or gassy, or lonely.  They have a limited number of ways to communicate with you and crying is their strongest tool.

We are programmed to respond to our baby’s needs, and crying causes an immediate emotional and physical reaction in a mother.  Women actually experience biological changes when they hear their baby cry and our natural instinct is to pick them up.  Over time, women who allow their babies to cry can desensitize themselves and override their natural instincts.  When this happens and baby is repeatedly shown their cries will not be answered, they lose trust that their caregiver will meet their needs and learn that their communications are in affective.

When a baby cries because they have learned they will be picked up, they are not manipulating you any more then they are when they wiggle with excitement and smile when they see you, they are communicating.  The strong emotional need to comfort your child is a natural reaction and you are not being manipulating, you are reacting with your instincts.  By responding to those cries, you are reinforcing their attempts of communication and trust they have in you to care for them.

Another thing to remember, is the desire to be held close, to feel comforted by the one they love and trust is as much a need as needing a diaper change or to be fed.  Many people are told that if their baby has been fed and doesn’t “need” anything, then that child is just trying to manipulate you into getting what they want.  That is a sad, old fashioned, over simplification of the complexity of another human being.  Just like us, babies can feel sad, lonely, board, frightened, etc.  Even if their physical needs have all be met, a 8 month old baby may just need you or a change of environment, even when they are “fine”.

So the next time someone tries to tell you that you are spoiling your baby, being manipulated, or letting your baby rule your life, ask them how they would feel if they were scared and left alone while their loved one sat outside the door because they were “fine” and aren’t going to be manipulated into letting them out.  Tell them with confidence that you are not being manipulated, but are in fact teaching your child that not only are their communications understood, but that their emotional needs are as important to you as their physical ones.  And most importantly, know that your baby needs and loves you and that you are doing the right thing for both of you.


Related articles:

Parenting Redefined - Letters from Baby: Please don't let me cry

Woman Uncensored -  Just let her cry

Dr. Sears - 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby's Cries

Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

Dr. Ben Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry

The Natural Child Project - The Con of Controlled Crying

Dr. Stephen Juan - 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain

PhD in Parenting - Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Peaceful Parenting - Should Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?

Try not to Hide

Nursing in public can be socially awkward.  People don’t know how to react when they see a nursing mom.  I have always been a huge supporter of nursing even long before having kids myself, but I also vividly remember glancing over and seeing a mother nursing her infant and quickly looking away so she wouldn’t see that I had seen her.  At the time, I was confused that she had chosen to nurse there and not somewhere more out of sight.

Then I had my first baby.  I loved nursing and nursed on demand.  If my baby was tired or hungry, I would nurse him, no matter where we were.  It was easy enough to stay covered and as long as no one could see anything, I didn’t worry about it.

I never used a blanket while nursing at home, so both my baby and I found using them in public frustrating and I eventually stopped trying.  It didn’t really matter though because it was easy enough to be discreet.  Then, around 5 months old, my baby started suddenly pulling off to investigate every person or sound nearby.  I tried pumping and bringing bottles with me, but my baby wouldn’t drink from them.  So since I didn’t use a blanket, I started nursing in the car.  It was quiet and if he pulled off, I didn’t have to worry about flashing anyone.

Then everyone kept asking me if my baby was weaned yet, starting at a pretty young age.  This is a totally different topic for a different day, but by the time my baby was 9 months old, I hardly ever nursed when we were out and always did it in secrecy when I did.  I continued to nurse him through the toddler years, but always at home where no one would know.

It makes me sad that I let my perception of what was socially acceptable affect me so greatly.  Luckily, shortly after my second was born, I met a wonderful group of moms that shared a lot of the same parenting philosophies (see Finding Your Flock).  I was amazed at how many of them openly nursed in public.  Even toddlers.  And without using a blanket!

I quickly learned that there were laws in our state that actually protected a woman’s right to nurse her child anywhere she was allowed to be, private or public property.  (find out about the laws in your state)  But more importantly than knowing the law, just seeing that I was not alone, that other mothers also nursed their babies in public, when they were hungry, and that they did so with confidence and without hiding is what made the biggest difference for me.  This group of women gave me the courage to do what I already knew in my heart was the right thing for my baby. 

I now confidently nurse my babies and toddlers in public whenever they need it.  I don’t hide, I don’t ask, I just sit down where ever I feel comfortable and feed them.  I am sure there have been times when my 5 month old has flashed entire restaurants when someone drops a plate.  People at the zoo have probably seen my breast when my toddler suddenly decides they are ready to see the elephants.  I can’t say that I am immune to being embarrassed, but I think it is important to nurse in public anyway.

I nurse my child in public because they need to.  But I nurse in public confidently because that is what society needs, even if that confidence isn’t quite as solid as I make it look!  I honestly feel it is important for me to look people in the eye, smile, and send a message that we don’t have to hide.  I am nursing my baby, but I am also helping a new mother find her confidence and showing young girls that nursing is a natural, beautiful thing to do.  I want to help other mothers the way other women were able to help me.

So whether you use a blanket or not, know that you are doing more than just nursing your baby, you are influencing the mothers and fathers of the future one feeding at a time!  Try not to hide, nurse with pride!

Thank you for saving my son’s penis!

Like many expectant parents, circumcision is something I had never even thought about.  What was there to think about anyway?  If you had a boy, they were circumcised.  That’s just what you did with boys.  There had to be a good reason we had been cutting the foreskin off of boys for most of the last century.

It wasn’t until my husband and I received an educational pamphlet in our birth class that either of us had even thought about circumcision.  We were surprised about the information we read in that short little pamphlet.  In a matter of 10 minutes, my husband and I had decided that we wouldn’t circumcise our baby if we had a boy.

The pamphlet was very short and to the point, but very informative and convincing.  There were several key points that hit home to us right away.  One was that there was NO medical reason to remove the foreskin and the reason it had originally been done was to “prevent masturbation”.  Secondly, that the foreskin actually protects the penis and has nerve endings that would be removed.  And thirdly, that circumcision is surgery that is not only painful for the baby, but has risks like any surgery.  You can read the pamphlet here:  http://www.nocirc.org/publish/3pam.pdf

As it turned out, we did have a boy.  And thanks to our Bradley instructor, his penis is still intact.  But I honestly believe we would have allowed it without even blinking.

My views on circumcision have become much stronger as time has passed.  That is why I feel it is so important to share information whenever I can.  But instead of making people feel guilty for the choice they make, I focus on just making a choice!  No matter how wrong I feel it is to unnecessarily subject a newborn to that kind of trauma, I will respect your right to do it if you actually make the decision.

Getting people to know there is even something to think about is the first step to changing things. 


National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers (NOCIRC)

As Nature Intended

Peaceful Parenting: The Day I Withdrew From Nursing School

Too old to nurse

Nursing a toddler can be an adventure.  They climb and fidget and often request quick drinks before running off again.  But as chaotic and frustrating as it can sometimes be, it is also a joy and I am so glad I have continued to nurse my kids well past the infant stage.

I always knew I wanted to nurse my babies, but I had never pictured myself nursing someone that could ask!  I remember my mom telling me I nursed until I was two and thinking that was so weird.  I knew 2 year olds and couldn’t imagine myself nursing one.

But when my first reached a year, it was obvious to me that neither of us was ready to wean.  Then he turned 2 and although he didn’t nurse often, he still liked to nurse before bed and occasionally when he was just having an off moment and needed some extra love.

Now I was the one nursing a two year old and it was weaning him that I couldn’t imagine.  Nursing seemed as natural as hugging him.  I didn’t know how long I would continue to nurse him and at what point I would decide he was “too old”, but I knew now wasn’t the time.

Turned out I never had to make that choice.  He initiated weaning a few months after turning two and although there was a point when he asked and I said no, it was only after he had made it clear he was ready to stop nursing.  There were no tears, no pleading, just an “okay” when I offered him something else to drink.

I am so glad I let my instincts determine how long I nursed my children and not a number.  And when my mother later admitted that I still occasionally nursed when I was 3, I no longer thought she was weird.  Instead, I felt her love that had inspired her to keep nursing.

Letters from Baby: Please don't let me cry

After reading many responses to this blog post, I just want to say that it is not my intent for this to be a complete debate on the merits of "cry-it-out".  I am trying to present what experiencing "cry-it-out" may be like for a baby and hope it will encourage people to not take CIO so lightly and do more research into the subject.  To find a more logical argument against CIO, see the links I have included at the end of this post.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm lying here crying, waiting for you to come.  I don't know why you won't, but I feel so all alone.

I heard Grandma say to let me cry, it's good for me somehow, so you both agree not to spoil me.  Well I don't know exactly what that means, but I am sure I disagree.  All I know is that I'm cold and sad lying here alone.  So I will keep crying with the hope that you will come.

I know I just ate and now it's time to sleep, but I feel so safe when I'm in your arms and that's where I want to be.  Your body is warm, and you smell so sweet.  It's easy to fall asleep, protected by your arms and listening to the calming sounds of your breathing and heart beat when you hold me close.  I know I'm loved and cared for with you watching over me.  But I feel so sad alone in this room waiting for sleep to come.

I have no words to tell you, and so I start to cry.  It's my only way to ask for help, it's the only words I have to tell you that I need you.  I get so excited when you listen, but I just don't understand why you won't listen now.

So I keep calling for you to pick me up, but please come fast.  I'm afraid that I can't cry much longer, that I am going to give up.  That I will feel too alone to even cry and too tired to hope you will still come.  I'll feel so ignored here in this room.  So unloved, so abandoned, so alone.  It might not be true, but it's how I feel as I continue to beg for you and my cries continue to go unanswered.

Next time I will know not to cry so long.  I won't try as hard to make you hear and I'll learn faster that you will not come.  And there may even come a day when I don't cry at all.  By then I will have learned that you don't care and I will have given up on trying to communicate my needs to you.  I won't keep hoping or trust you to help me when I am sad.  Grandma will be so proud that I have learned to "self sooth", but I don't know why giving up is a good thing.  Maybe I will understand some day.

I'm finally too tired to cry, and I'm drifting off to sleep.  I'm breathing kind of funny, I still feel like I can't catch my breath.  I guess I really shouldn't have cried so long.  I'll know next time.

Sincerely,
Your Baby

It makes me so sad to think of all the babies that are left to cry.  Like all parents, the parents of these babies love their babies dearly and just want what's best for them.  Unfortunately, main stream thinking has made us all believe that letting your child cry it out is not only okay, but actually better for them in the long run.  The truth could not be more opposite.

Leaving a baby to cry, unattended and without response by a parent is not healthy.  All the stress hormones released from prolonged crying can actually alter a baby's brain.  They can also become withdrawn and even depressed.  How your child responds to CIO depends greatly on how it is applied and the baby's personality.

Babies use crying as one of their only ways to communicate with their caregiver.  When a baby attempts to communicate over and over again and is repeatedly ignored, this baby learns that their communications will not be responded to.  They lack trust in their parent or caregiver to meet their needs.  So responding to a baby's cry is important in establishing communication and a trusting relationship with your baby.

Here are some great resources about prolonged, unattended crying:

Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

Dr. Ben Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry

The Natural Child Project - The Con of Controlled Crying

Dr. Sears - 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby's Cries

Dr. Stephen Juan - 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain

PhD in Parenting - Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Peaceful Parenting - Should Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?


The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley is a great book if you are looking for solutions for helping your baby sleep.  I buy one for all the new moms I know!

Circumcision Tragedy

I had not been planning to start this blog just yet since I am due to have a baby any day now, but I was to upset by this story to not say something.

I just read about the tragic death of a baby that occurred this morning because he was circumcised.  The poor baby had some heart issues which already made this a risky procedure, but the parents and doctor felt like the risk of bleeding would get worse as the baby grew and decided not to wait until he was bigger.  Sadly, after hours of bleeding, they found that an artery had been nicked during the surgery.  They were able to stop the bleeding, but the baby had lost a lot of blood.  Last night the mother blogged that she had almost killed her baby.  Tragically, he died this morning almost 12 hours after her post.

You don't have to be a parent to find this story extremely heartbreaking.  I personally do not agree with circumcision, nor do I circumcise my children, but that is not what this post is about.  I am not trying to start a debate about whether circumcision is right or not, or whether these parents who now morn the loss of their baby boy did the right thing.  Their loss is too tragic and great and I will not judge them.

What has me so upset and angry is that his official cause of death was ruled to be cardiac arrest.  The doctors have reassured the parents over and over that the circumcision had nothing to do with their son's death.  I understand that they are probably trying to comfort the parents, but this is just not right.

A baby only needs to lose 1 ounce of blood to hemorrhage, and just 2.3 ounces to die as a result of this blood loss.  The stress of this blood loss can result in heart attack, hemorrhage, coma, seizure, stroke, or infection and the resulting deaths often get classified as such without any documentation or recognition that these were the direct result of a circumcision.  That poor baby died from complications resulting from a circumcision, period, not cardiac arrest!

This lack of proper reporting has made it hard to document the actual number of deaths caused each year from circumcisions, but the reported number of newborns that die from circumcisions is said to be 117 baby boys a year.  To put this number in prospective, about 44 newborns die each year from suffocation, 8 from auto accidents, and 115 from SIDS.

So why aren't there huge campaigns to educate parents about the risks of circumcision like there are about SIDS.  How many times have we heard about "back to sleep"?  You can't even leave the hospital without being personally instructed by the nurse to make sure you put baby on their back to prevent SIDS, but there is no warning when they come in to whisk your new baby boy off to be cut.  Many parents aren't even aware that bleeding could be an issue until it is already to late.

I feel very strongly that parents should be educated about the risks involved in having their child circumcised.  Education is the greatest tool in this battle.  I know I hadn't even thought twice about having it done until someone handed me a pamphlet when I was pregnant.  So the next time you have a chance, let someone know that there is no medical benefit to circumcising their son.  That it is purely a cosmetic surgery that has many risks, including death.  A little education can go a long way and you may just say a baby's life and prevent parents from having to deal with the loss of a child.

More articles:

New Study Estimates Neonatal Circumcision Death Rate Higher Than Suffocation and Auto Accidents

Death From Circumcision

National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers (aka NOCIRC)