Manipulation or Communication?

There is a perception out there that babies will “manipulate” their parents.  A baby’s cries can manipulate you into picking them up when you hadn’t intended to, but that does not make the baby manipulative.

When a new baby cries, it is because they have a need they want met, it is a simple as that.  There is no thought behind it, it’s an instinctual action for them.  Over time, your baby becomes aware of this form of communication and knows that crying will get their needs met.  At this point, a baby that is hungry, cold, or even board will cry with anticipation that you will respond.  Some parents perceive this as manipulation, but the truth is far from it.

A 6 month old has no words to tell you how they are feeling and don’t even necessarily understand what they are feeling.  They cannot tell you they are wet, or gassy, or lonely.  They have a limited number of ways to communicate with you and crying is their strongest tool.

We are programmed to respond to our baby’s needs, and crying causes an immediate emotional and physical reaction in a mother.  Women actually experience biological changes when they hear their baby cry and our natural instinct is to pick them up.  Over time, women who allow their babies to cry can desensitize themselves and override their natural instincts.  When this happens and baby is repeatedly shown their cries will not be answered, they lose trust that their caregiver will meet their needs and learn that their communications are in affective.

When a baby cries because they have learned they will be picked up, they are not manipulating you any more then they are when they wiggle with excitement and smile when they see you, they are communicating.  The strong emotional need to comfort your child is a natural reaction and you are not being manipulating, you are reacting with your instincts.  By responding to those cries, you are reinforcing their attempts of communication and trust they have in you to care for them.

Another thing to remember, is the desire to be held close, to feel comforted by the one they love and trust is as much a need as needing a diaper change or to be fed.  Many people are told that if their baby has been fed and doesn’t “need” anything, then that child is just trying to manipulate you into getting what they want.  That is a sad, old fashioned, over simplification of the complexity of another human being.  Just like us, babies can feel sad, lonely, board, frightened, etc.  Even if their physical needs have all be met, a 8 month old baby may just need you or a change of environment, even when they are “fine”.

So the next time someone tries to tell you that you are spoiling your baby, being manipulated, or letting your baby rule your life, ask them how they would feel if they were scared and left alone while their loved one sat outside the door because they were “fine” and aren’t going to be manipulated into letting them out.  Tell them with confidence that you are not being manipulated, but are in fact teaching your child that not only are their communications understood, but that their emotional needs are as important to you as their physical ones.  And most importantly, know that your baby needs and loves you and that you are doing the right thing for both of you.


Related articles:

Parenting Redefined - Letters from Baby: Please don't let me cry

Woman Uncensored -  Just let her cry

Dr. Sears - 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby's Cries

Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

Dr. Ben Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry

The Natural Child Project - The Con of Controlled Crying

Dr. Stephen Juan - 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain

PhD in Parenting - Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Peaceful Parenting - Should Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?

Letters from Baby: Please don't let me cry

After reading many responses to this blog post, I just want to say that it is not my intent for this to be a complete debate on the merits of "cry-it-out".  I am trying to present what experiencing "cry-it-out" may be like for a baby and hope it will encourage people to not take CIO so lightly and do more research into the subject.  To find a more logical argument against CIO, see the links I have included at the end of this post.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm lying here crying, waiting for you to come.  I don't know why you won't, but I feel so all alone.

I heard Grandma say to let me cry, it's good for me somehow, so you both agree not to spoil me.  Well I don't know exactly what that means, but I am sure I disagree.  All I know is that I'm cold and sad lying here alone.  So I will keep crying with the hope that you will come.

I know I just ate and now it's time to sleep, but I feel so safe when I'm in your arms and that's where I want to be.  Your body is warm, and you smell so sweet.  It's easy to fall asleep, protected by your arms and listening to the calming sounds of your breathing and heart beat when you hold me close.  I know I'm loved and cared for with you watching over me.  But I feel so sad alone in this room waiting for sleep to come.

I have no words to tell you, and so I start to cry.  It's my only way to ask for help, it's the only words I have to tell you that I need you.  I get so excited when you listen, but I just don't understand why you won't listen now.

So I keep calling for you to pick me up, but please come fast.  I'm afraid that I can't cry much longer, that I am going to give up.  That I will feel too alone to even cry and too tired to hope you will still come.  I'll feel so ignored here in this room.  So unloved, so abandoned, so alone.  It might not be true, but it's how I feel as I continue to beg for you and my cries continue to go unanswered.

Next time I will know not to cry so long.  I won't try as hard to make you hear and I'll learn faster that you will not come.  And there may even come a day when I don't cry at all.  By then I will have learned that you don't care and I will have given up on trying to communicate my needs to you.  I won't keep hoping or trust you to help me when I am sad.  Grandma will be so proud that I have learned to "self sooth", but I don't know why giving up is a good thing.  Maybe I will understand some day.

I'm finally too tired to cry, and I'm drifting off to sleep.  I'm breathing kind of funny, I still feel like I can't catch my breath.  I guess I really shouldn't have cried so long.  I'll know next time.

Sincerely,
Your Baby

It makes me so sad to think of all the babies that are left to cry.  Like all parents, the parents of these babies love their babies dearly and just want what's best for them.  Unfortunately, main stream thinking has made us all believe that letting your child cry it out is not only okay, but actually better for them in the long run.  The truth could not be more opposite.

Leaving a baby to cry, unattended and without response by a parent is not healthy.  All the stress hormones released from prolonged crying can actually alter a baby's brain.  They can also become withdrawn and even depressed.  How your child responds to CIO depends greatly on how it is applied and the baby's personality.

Babies use crying as one of their only ways to communicate with their caregiver.  When a baby attempts to communicate over and over again and is repeatedly ignored, this baby learns that their communications will not be responded to.  They lack trust in their parent or caregiver to meet their needs.  So responding to a baby's cry is important in establishing communication and a trusting relationship with your baby.

Here are some great resources about prolonged, unattended crying:

Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

Dr. Ben Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry

The Natural Child Project - The Con of Controlled Crying

Dr. Sears - 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby's Cries

Dr. Stephen Juan - 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain

PhD in Parenting - Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Peaceful Parenting - Should Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?


The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley is a great book if you are looking for solutions for helping your baby sleep.  I buy one for all the new moms I know!