Why I co-sleep

Like so many other parenting choices, where your baby or child sleeps seems to be a constant source of controversy.  People are often too embarrassed to admit that their children sleep in their bed even though surveys show that co-sleeping, at least part of the time, is actually more common than not with 68% of parents admitting to co-sleeping with their babies.

Since day one, we have enjoyed co-sleeping with our babies, or bed sharing in our case.  Although often used interchangeably, co-sleeping is technically when a baby shares a room with their parents and bed sharing is when they actually sleep on the same surface.  We bed share in our house, with two huge mattresses side by side so that we can all comfortably sleep together in a giant family bed.

Why Co-sleep?

Everyone sleeps better.  Babies fall asleep and stay asleep better when co-sleeping.  Baby sleeping more equals mom sleeping more which is always a good thing!

Co-sleeping is so convenient!  It makes night time parenting so much easier when baby is close to you.  You will be able to respond much quicker to your baby and get back to sleep that much sooner.

Breastfeeding is easier.  Nursing mothers naturally tune in to their babies and wake up easily when baby shows signs of being ready to eat.  This means mom can nurse her baby without baby needing to fully wake from sleep.  Since neither mom or baby have to get out of bed to nurse, it is much easier for both to get back to sleep.

Co-sleeping is not only safe, but research shows it can actually reduce the rate of SIDS.  Although not a significant enough amount to be the reason to co-sleep if you don't want to, it is nice to know that when done safely, co-sleeping is actually slightly safer than having your baby sleep alone.

But the biggest reason we share our bed with our babies?  WE LOVE IT!!!  We love sleeping with our kids.  Sure, it can be crowded and sometimes we get a foot someplace unpleasant, but it's all worth it.  How could you not enjoy having the last thing you see before you close your eyes be the angelic face of your sleeping child?  It is one of the greatest joys in my life.  That is why we co-sleep.

Life is so busy, babies grow so fast, toddlers are crazy, and pre-schoolers are hard to snuggle with.  But at night, in bed, we all snuggle together as my children are transformed from crazy monkeys into peaceful angels.  No matter what kind of day we've had, in that moment, everything else seems less important and the only thing that matters is how much I love my kids.  Someday my kids will be grown and want a bed of their own.  So for now, we co-sleep and share our bed with our babies, even the big ones!


Dr. Sears: Safe co-sleeping

The Natural Child Project: Cosleeping around the world

Mothering:  How the stats really stack up: Cosleeping is twice as safe

Letters from Baby: Please don't let me cry

After reading many responses to this blog post, I just want to say that it is not my intent for this to be a complete debate on the merits of "cry-it-out".  I am trying to present what experiencing "cry-it-out" may be like for a baby and hope it will encourage people to not take CIO so lightly and do more research into the subject.  To find a more logical argument against CIO, see the links I have included at the end of this post.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm lying here crying, waiting for you to come.  I don't know why you won't, but I feel so all alone.

I heard Grandma say to let me cry, it's good for me somehow, so you both agree not to spoil me.  Well I don't know exactly what that means, but I am sure I disagree.  All I know is that I'm cold and sad lying here alone.  So I will keep crying with the hope that you will come.

I know I just ate and now it's time to sleep, but I feel so safe when I'm in your arms and that's where I want to be.  Your body is warm, and you smell so sweet.  It's easy to fall asleep, protected by your arms and listening to the calming sounds of your breathing and heart beat when you hold me close.  I know I'm loved and cared for with you watching over me.  But I feel so sad alone in this room waiting for sleep to come.

I have no words to tell you, and so I start to cry.  It's my only way to ask for help, it's the only words I have to tell you that I need you.  I get so excited when you listen, but I just don't understand why you won't listen now.

So I keep calling for you to pick me up, but please come fast.  I'm afraid that I can't cry much longer, that I am going to give up.  That I will feel too alone to even cry and too tired to hope you will still come.  I'll feel so ignored here in this room.  So unloved, so abandoned, so alone.  It might not be true, but it's how I feel as I continue to beg for you and my cries continue to go unanswered.

Next time I will know not to cry so long.  I won't try as hard to make you hear and I'll learn faster that you will not come.  And there may even come a day when I don't cry at all.  By then I will have learned that you don't care and I will have given up on trying to communicate my needs to you.  I won't keep hoping or trust you to help me when I am sad.  Grandma will be so proud that I have learned to "self sooth", but I don't know why giving up is a good thing.  Maybe I will understand some day.

I'm finally too tired to cry, and I'm drifting off to sleep.  I'm breathing kind of funny, I still feel like I can't catch my breath.  I guess I really shouldn't have cried so long.  I'll know next time.

Sincerely,
Your Baby

It makes me so sad to think of all the babies that are left to cry.  Like all parents, the parents of these babies love their babies dearly and just want what's best for them.  Unfortunately, main stream thinking has made us all believe that letting your child cry it out is not only okay, but actually better for them in the long run.  The truth could not be more opposite.

Leaving a baby to cry, unattended and without response by a parent is not healthy.  All the stress hormones released from prolonged crying can actually alter a baby's brain.  They can also become withdrawn and even depressed.  How your child responds to CIO depends greatly on how it is applied and the baby's personality.

Babies use crying as one of their only ways to communicate with their caregiver.  When a baby attempts to communicate over and over again and is repeatedly ignored, this baby learns that their communications will not be responded to.  They lack trust in their parent or caregiver to meet their needs.  So responding to a baby's cry is important in establishing communication and a trusting relationship with your baby.

Here are some great resources about prolonged, unattended crying:

Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

Dr. Ben Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry

The Natural Child Project - The Con of Controlled Crying

Dr. Sears - 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby's Cries

Dr. Stephen Juan - 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain

PhD in Parenting - Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Peaceful Parenting - Should Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?


The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley is a great book if you are looking for solutions for helping your baby sleep.  I buy one for all the new moms I know!