Manipulation or Communication?

There is a perception out there that babies will “manipulate” their parents.  A baby’s cries can manipulate you into picking them up when you hadn’t intended to, but that does not make the baby manipulative.

When a new baby cries, it is because they have a need they want met, it is a simple as that.  There is no thought behind it, it’s an instinctual action for them.  Over time, your baby becomes aware of this form of communication and knows that crying will get their needs met.  At this point, a baby that is hungry, cold, or even board will cry with anticipation that you will respond.  Some parents perceive this as manipulation, but the truth is far from it.

A 6 month old has no words to tell you how they are feeling and don’t even necessarily understand what they are feeling.  They cannot tell you they are wet, or gassy, or lonely.  They have a limited number of ways to communicate with you and crying is their strongest tool.

We are programmed to respond to our baby’s needs, and crying causes an immediate emotional and physical reaction in a mother.  Women actually experience biological changes when they hear their baby cry and our natural instinct is to pick them up.  Over time, women who allow their babies to cry can desensitize themselves and override their natural instincts.  When this happens and baby is repeatedly shown their cries will not be answered, they lose trust that their caregiver will meet their needs and learn that their communications are in affective.

When a baby cries because they have learned they will be picked up, they are not manipulating you any more then they are when they wiggle with excitement and smile when they see you, they are communicating.  The strong emotional need to comfort your child is a natural reaction and you are not being manipulating, you are reacting with your instincts.  By responding to those cries, you are reinforcing their attempts of communication and trust they have in you to care for them.

Another thing to remember, is the desire to be held close, to feel comforted by the one they love and trust is as much a need as needing a diaper change or to be fed.  Many people are told that if their baby has been fed and doesn’t “need” anything, then that child is just trying to manipulate you into getting what they want.  That is a sad, old fashioned, over simplification of the complexity of another human being.  Just like us, babies can feel sad, lonely, board, frightened, etc.  Even if their physical needs have all be met, a 8 month old baby may just need you or a change of environment, even when they are “fine”.

So the next time someone tries to tell you that you are spoiling your baby, being manipulated, or letting your baby rule your life, ask them how they would feel if they were scared and left alone while their loved one sat outside the door because they were “fine” and aren’t going to be manipulated into letting them out.  Tell them with confidence that you are not being manipulated, but are in fact teaching your child that not only are their communications understood, but that their emotional needs are as important to you as their physical ones.  And most importantly, know that your baby needs and loves you and that you are doing the right thing for both of you.


Related articles:

Parenting Redefined - Letters from Baby: Please don't let me cry

Woman Uncensored -  Just let her cry

Dr. Sears - 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby's Cries

Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

Dr. Ben Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry

The Natural Child Project - The Con of Controlled Crying

Dr. Stephen Juan - 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain

PhD in Parenting - Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Peaceful Parenting - Should Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?

Try not to Hide

Nursing in public can be socially awkward.  People don’t know how to react when they see a nursing mom.  I have always been a huge supporter of nursing even long before having kids myself, but I also vividly remember glancing over and seeing a mother nursing her infant and quickly looking away so she wouldn’t see that I had seen her.  At the time, I was confused that she had chosen to nurse there and not somewhere more out of sight.

Then I had my first baby.  I loved nursing and nursed on demand.  If my baby was tired or hungry, I would nurse him, no matter where we were.  It was easy enough to stay covered and as long as no one could see anything, I didn’t worry about it.

I never used a blanket while nursing at home, so both my baby and I found using them in public frustrating and I eventually stopped trying.  It didn’t really matter though because it was easy enough to be discreet.  Then, around 5 months old, my baby started suddenly pulling off to investigate every person or sound nearby.  I tried pumping and bringing bottles with me, but my baby wouldn’t drink from them.  So since I didn’t use a blanket, I started nursing in the car.  It was quiet and if he pulled off, I didn’t have to worry about flashing anyone.

Then everyone kept asking me if my baby was weaned yet, starting at a pretty young age.  This is a totally different topic for a different day, but by the time my baby was 9 months old, I hardly ever nursed when we were out and always did it in secrecy when I did.  I continued to nurse him through the toddler years, but always at home where no one would know.

It makes me sad that I let my perception of what was socially acceptable affect me so greatly.  Luckily, shortly after my second was born, I met a wonderful group of moms that shared a lot of the same parenting philosophies (see Finding Your Flock).  I was amazed at how many of them openly nursed in public.  Even toddlers.  And without using a blanket!

I quickly learned that there were laws in our state that actually protected a woman’s right to nurse her child anywhere she was allowed to be, private or public property.  (find out about the laws in your state)  But more importantly than knowing the law, just seeing that I was not alone, that other mothers also nursed their babies in public, when they were hungry, and that they did so with confidence and without hiding is what made the biggest difference for me.  This group of women gave me the courage to do what I already knew in my heart was the right thing for my baby. 

I now confidently nurse my babies and toddlers in public whenever they need it.  I don’t hide, I don’t ask, I just sit down where ever I feel comfortable and feed them.  I am sure there have been times when my 5 month old has flashed entire restaurants when someone drops a plate.  People at the zoo have probably seen my breast when my toddler suddenly decides they are ready to see the elephants.  I can’t say that I am immune to being embarrassed, but I think it is important to nurse in public anyway.

I nurse my child in public because they need to.  But I nurse in public confidently because that is what society needs, even if that confidence isn’t quite as solid as I make it look!  I honestly feel it is important for me to look people in the eye, smile, and send a message that we don’t have to hide.  I am nursing my baby, but I am also helping a new mother find her confidence and showing young girls that nursing is a natural, beautiful thing to do.  I want to help other mothers the way other women were able to help me.

So whether you use a blanket or not, know that you are doing more than just nursing your baby, you are influencing the mothers and fathers of the future one feeding at a time!  Try not to hide, nurse with pride!

The real pain of spanking

Special note to all readers.  Please be sensitive to the fact that attachment parenting and gentle discipline don't come easily or naturally to many parents.  Often it is our research to find a better way that leads to this type of parenting.  It is realy hard for me to openly discuse the following topic, but I feel it's important to share my experience with other parents that are going through the same struggles.

Before I had kids, I had always known I would use spankings as a tool to teach my kids.  After all, I was spanked and so was my husband and we both turned out to be responsible, we adjusted adults.  I had read articles where people said spanking was abuse and it was damaging to the child, but obviously these people were reading way to much into it.  I had never felt unloved because my parents spanked me, in fact, I knew they spanked me because they loved me and wanted me to learn right from wrong.  So these articles were easily dismissed as another opinion I just didn’t share.

So sure enough, when my first child was a toddler and kept getting into things he knew he wasn’t supposed to, he got a gentle tap on the hand and a stern “no” to teach him not to touch it any more.  As he got bigger, there seemed to be more and more reasons that he needed to be spanked.  He started climbing on tables and refused to get down when asked, at which point I would remove him myself and give him a swat on the diaper for not listening.

In the beginning, he only got a spanking once in a while, but it became more and more frequent as he got older.  Before I knew it, it seemed like he got a swat on the diaper at least once a day, and some days, he would get several.  I started noticing that his days seemed to get rougher once he had gotten that first spanking.  It was as if he was angry for being spanked and would start acting out by intentionally not listening and doing things he knew he wasn’t supposed to.

This was the point in which I decided spanking not only didn’t work, but that it was actually making things worse.  So I started reading to try and find out what I was doing wrong.  Luckily, I was able to find some books that quickly set me straight about spanking.  It was easy to see how spanking would cause fear and resentment in the child, something I was not interested in doing, but that I could already see was happening.  Now that I had my own child, it was easy for me to be convinced that spankings would only damage our relationship.

One of the books that really helped me was Discipline Without Distress by Judy Arnall.  This book really helped me see the difference between discipline and punishment.  You can discipline your child effectively without needing to punish them at all.

I consider myself very lucky.  My son was the only reason I started questioning whether spanking was right or not.  If he had been more submissive in regards to being punished, I may have never changed my views.  It was his anger and resentment, the real pain of spanking, that was what finally convinced me that spanking was wrong.  If he hadn’t had such a strong emotional reaction to spanking and had just kept right on acting like his normal self, I may have never seen how it was affecting him.  For that I am so grateful.

I wish I had been one of those lucky people who deeply believed spanking was wrong from day one.  I wish I could say that I never laid a hand on my child in anger and frustration, but I can’t and that is something that is painful to admit.  I still struggle to not spank my children, something which I am now deeply bothered by.  I wish I could say that my now strong belief and resolve not to spank could override that urge, but it hasn’t.  I feel like that is my default as a parent, my instinct is to spank when I don’t know what else to do in a particular situation.  I can only hope that I am breaking that cycle now, and that hopefully someday, my children will not have to fight that same urge with their children.

And as someone who knows the shame of being a reformed spanker, I ask all those that belong to that group of lucky parents that never have, please be open minded and inclusive of people like me.  Try not to pass judgment on the alcoholic for ever picking up that first drink and instead reach out and support them to never take another one.  Being part of a community that accepts and supports you is important for parents that are still struggling to learn what gentle discipline and attachment parenting means to them.  I wouldn’t be the mother I am today if it weren’t for a lot of other strong, amazing mothers giving me strength and inspiration to keep going.

Do you or have you struggled with spanking?  Do you consider yourself a reformed spanker and want to share your story?  I feel it is really important to share our experiences with other parents that may be going through the same thing you have.  If you would like to share, please e-mail me at parentingredefined at gmail .com and I will be happy to post your experiences anonymously.


Other Articles:

Dr. Sears - Spanking

Psychology Today, Dr. Michael Ungar - Spanking Makes Kids More Aggressive: The Research is Clear

Spanking Causes More Harm as Children Get Older

Dr. Phil - Spanking Research
               Three Questions to Ask Before Spanking
               To Spank or Not to Spank?

Too old to nurse

Nursing a toddler can be an adventure.  They climb and fidget and often request quick drinks before running off again.  But as chaotic and frustrating as it can sometimes be, it is also a joy and I am so glad I have continued to nurse my kids well past the infant stage.

I always knew I wanted to nurse my babies, but I had never pictured myself nursing someone that could ask!  I remember my mom telling me I nursed until I was two and thinking that was so weird.  I knew 2 year olds and couldn’t imagine myself nursing one.

But when my first reached a year, it was obvious to me that neither of us was ready to wean.  Then he turned 2 and although he didn’t nurse often, he still liked to nurse before bed and occasionally when he was just having an off moment and needed some extra love.

Now I was the one nursing a two year old and it was weaning him that I couldn’t imagine.  Nursing seemed as natural as hugging him.  I didn’t know how long I would continue to nurse him and at what point I would decide he was “too old”, but I knew now wasn’t the time.

Turned out I never had to make that choice.  He initiated weaning a few months after turning two and although there was a point when he asked and I said no, it was only after he had made it clear he was ready to stop nursing.  There were no tears, no pleading, just an “okay” when I offered him something else to drink.

I am so glad I let my instincts determine how long I nursed my children and not a number.  And when my mother later admitted that I still occasionally nursed when I was 3, I no longer thought she was weird.  Instead, I felt her love that had inspired her to keep nursing.

Letters from Baby: Please don't let me cry

After reading many responses to this blog post, I just want to say that it is not my intent for this to be a complete debate on the merits of "cry-it-out".  I am trying to present what experiencing "cry-it-out" may be like for a baby and hope it will encourage people to not take CIO so lightly and do more research into the subject.  To find a more logical argument against CIO, see the links I have included at the end of this post.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm lying here crying, waiting for you to come.  I don't know why you won't, but I feel so all alone.

I heard Grandma say to let me cry, it's good for me somehow, so you both agree not to spoil me.  Well I don't know exactly what that means, but I am sure I disagree.  All I know is that I'm cold and sad lying here alone.  So I will keep crying with the hope that you will come.

I know I just ate and now it's time to sleep, but I feel so safe when I'm in your arms and that's where I want to be.  Your body is warm, and you smell so sweet.  It's easy to fall asleep, protected by your arms and listening to the calming sounds of your breathing and heart beat when you hold me close.  I know I'm loved and cared for with you watching over me.  But I feel so sad alone in this room waiting for sleep to come.

I have no words to tell you, and so I start to cry.  It's my only way to ask for help, it's the only words I have to tell you that I need you.  I get so excited when you listen, but I just don't understand why you won't listen now.

So I keep calling for you to pick me up, but please come fast.  I'm afraid that I can't cry much longer, that I am going to give up.  That I will feel too alone to even cry and too tired to hope you will still come.  I'll feel so ignored here in this room.  So unloved, so abandoned, so alone.  It might not be true, but it's how I feel as I continue to beg for you and my cries continue to go unanswered.

Next time I will know not to cry so long.  I won't try as hard to make you hear and I'll learn faster that you will not come.  And there may even come a day when I don't cry at all.  By then I will have learned that you don't care and I will have given up on trying to communicate my needs to you.  I won't keep hoping or trust you to help me when I am sad.  Grandma will be so proud that I have learned to "self sooth", but I don't know why giving up is a good thing.  Maybe I will understand some day.

I'm finally too tired to cry, and I'm drifting off to sleep.  I'm breathing kind of funny, I still feel like I can't catch my breath.  I guess I really shouldn't have cried so long.  I'll know next time.

Sincerely,
Your Baby

It makes me so sad to think of all the babies that are left to cry.  Like all parents, the parents of these babies love their babies dearly and just want what's best for them.  Unfortunately, main stream thinking has made us all believe that letting your child cry it out is not only okay, but actually better for them in the long run.  The truth could not be more opposite.

Leaving a baby to cry, unattended and without response by a parent is not healthy.  All the stress hormones released from prolonged crying can actually alter a baby's brain.  They can also become withdrawn and even depressed.  How your child responds to CIO depends greatly on how it is applied and the baby's personality.

Babies use crying as one of their only ways to communicate with their caregiver.  When a baby attempts to communicate over and over again and is repeatedly ignored, this baby learns that their communications will not be responded to.  They lack trust in their parent or caregiver to meet their needs.  So responding to a baby's cry is important in establishing communication and a trusting relationship with your baby.

Here are some great resources about prolonged, unattended crying:

Dr. Sears - Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies

Dr. Ben Kim - Cry It Out: The Potential Dangers of Leaving Your Baby to Cry

The Natural Child Project - The Con of Controlled Crying

Dr. Sears - 7 Things Parents Should Know About Baby's Cries

Dr. Stephen Juan - 'Crying it out' may damage baby's brain

PhD in Parenting - Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Peaceful Parenting - Should Baby Soothe Himself to Sleep?


The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley is a great book if you are looking for solutions for helping your baby sleep.  I buy one for all the new moms I know!

Finding your flock

What some people call attachment parenting came very easy to me in the beginning when my baby was born.  I nursed, co-slept, and responded instantly to his cries, as if I had a choice!  In the beginning, it didn’t bother me if people didn’t agree with some of my choices.  But as my baby grew older, my choices became less and less socially acceptable.

When my second was born, I decided we needed to join a playgroup so that my son could get out and interact with other kids.  Immediately I was nervous about joining one though.  I know how judgmental mothers can be, I am one and am often guilty of the same thing.  I knew how different my parenting style was to my friends and had only recently admitted to some of my close friends that I was still co-sleeping and nursing my first out of fear they would run screaming.

Would we be accepted in playgroup?  Would they be able to tell I didn’t follow the mainstream parenting rules?  Would I be “allowed” to nurse my baby in front of their children?

All these questions and worries kept me from joining anything for a few months until my doula, who also had kids, mentioned to me that there was an Attachment Parenting group that met locally.  I still didn’t fully know what “Attachment Parenting” meant at that point, but I knew I liked my doula and thought I would give it a try.

The first playgroup we went to was at a park.  I walked up nervously to a group of moms and almost cried with happiness when I saw a mom with her toddler nursing openly in a sling!  She didn’t have her healthy 15 month old shamefully covered with a blanket while she nursed him.  She just said hi and welcomed me to the group without a second thought.

Nursing a toddler in public was something I had never had the courage to do.  I immediately knew this was the perfect group for us though and was relieved to know that when my baby was a toddler, this would at least be one place I could openly nurse without issue or judgment.

Since then, I have grown as a parent with this group.  I am so grateful that I found them when I did.  They have helped me gain confidence in my parenting choices and feel proud that I parent the way I feel is right.  For so long I felt like my choices made me an outcast.  But now I knew I wasn’t a freak.  There were lots of people out there that made the same kind of choices I made and suddenly these choices seem normal.  Sure, there are still more mainstream parents out there than AP parents, but it helps to know you’re not alone.

I think it is so important to find people who have similar parenting philosophies to you, especially if you don’t follow the mainstream crowd.  It is exhausting to constantly feel you have to defend your choices or filter what you say around certain people.  It is important to have people you can talk openly with and go to for advice or just be a sympathetic ear.  So if you find you can’t talk to your friends about sleep issues because you know they will tell you to just let you baby cry, try to find a group of people you can talk to.  It might help more than you think!



So how do you find your flock?  Google it.  Check Facebook or Yahoo Groups.  You can even find some on the Attachment Parenting International website.  I know!  I didn't know that page existed either!  There are lots of local AP groups all over.  If you can't find any, start one!  There's a good chance that there are other AP parents in the area that would like to join!

Gift of Babywearing

If you haven't had the fortune to discover babywearing yet, you should!  Babywearing is not only a gift for your child, but for you as well.

Babywearing has tons of benefits, but the most important is probably how it can make life just so much easier for you!  My toddler was a bit on the needy side when she was little.  She had colic when she was born, plus I had a toddler to run after, so using a baby carrier was a life saver!  I don't know how I would have survived those first three months without one.  It allowed me to keep my baby happy and content while keeping up with the busy activities of the day.

When she got older and started crawling and being more mobile, babywearing allowed me to take my oldest to the park and playdates without any protest.  She was much more content to be in the carrier and watch the action than she ever would have been sitting in a stroller for an hour or more.  She was also able to nap easily while we were out and even made it easy to handle her frequent nursing sessions.

By the time she was a toddler and running around with all the other kids, babywearing still allowed us to be out and social much more often then I had been with my first.  She could only handle so much running around before she would get tired and crabby like all toddlers do.  The carrier allowed her to take a break from the action and retreat to a safe place to relax.  Plus she was so used to sleeping in a carrier by this point that she would ask to be in the carrier if we were out and she needed a nap.  Babywearing allowed her to be independent when she wanted to and gave her a safe place to be when she was done.

I encourage everyone to explore babywearing if they have the chance.  Even my husband has embraced babywearing, and "toddlerwearing"!  It gave him a chance to feel more hands on with our baby and has allowed him to enjoy those rare snugly moments you have to take advantage of with a busy toddler.  It's become such a big part of our family life that my children even make their own baby carriers to carry their dolls!  Plus, there is nothing better than the joy I feel while I carry my child so close to my heart!

Some Of The Benefits Of Babywearing

• Babies that are worn cry less than babies that are not.  Babies are much happier being held than not, so babywearing allows you to hold you baby much more than you would otherwise be able to.  Plus, crying is stressful for both you and baby, so less crying makes everyone much happier!
• Babywearing helps sooth your baby and make them feel safe.  Newborns are comforted by the warmth and closeness they experience when being warm.  They are able to smell you and hear your breathing and heartbeat like they were ablt to do in the womb.  The motions and pressure of babywearing also is comforting to them.
• Babies that are worn get to see and experience much more than other babies.  They listen to conversations and watch you go about your activies, absorbing and learning from what they experience through being worn.
• Babywearing encourages interaction with your baby.  You make eye contact and talk to them more often when they are worn.  It is more natural to talk to your baby about what you are doing and seeing while you are wearing them.
• Wearing your baby can help you and other caregivers bond with your baby.  Being close to baby, smelling them, feeling their warmth, interacting with them, encourages a deeper bond and also helps your baby bond too.  Babywearing is a great way for dads to become more involved with their babies and helps nuture their own bond.
• Babywearing makes life easier!  It's easier to keep up with older siblings and life in general while babywearing.  It allows you to have your hands free to tend to other things.  It also decreases the amount of time you need to spend comforting your baby and even putting them to sleep since these are things that naturally occure while wearing them.  Plus, it can be a lifesaver if you're ever unable to use a stroller!
• Babywearing creates a safe place for baby no matter where you are.  Whether your baby is nine months old and afraid of strangers or 18 months old and is overstimulated or overwhelmed by your surroundings, babywearing gives them a safe place to retreat and feel secure.
• Wearing your toddler can keep them safe and out of trouble!  Babywearing keeps your toddler close to you and away from things you don't want them getting into.  It has been a huge help when grocery shopping since it keeps my toddler happy and unable to grab everything on the shelf or out of the shopping cart!
• Babywearing creates more independant toddlers.  Believe it or not, but babies that are more attached and trust you to meet their needs, become more independant and confident to explore their world becuase they are confident that you will be there for them.  Babywearing nurtures this trust and attachment and therefor leads to more independant toddlers.
• Babywearing is a joy!  Wearing your little one allows you to snugle and kiss your baby even more, which is always a plus!  And as they get older and more busy, may be the only chance you get to snag any snugles at all!

For more babywearing information, visit these sites:
The Babywearer
AskDr.Sears.com: Babywearing
Babywearing International
Better Babywearing: Babywearing Overload
The Natural Child Project: Ten Reasons To Wear Your Baby
Sleepy Wrap: Benefits of Babywearing

Want to wear you baby?  There are tons of companies and brands out there, but here are just a few that I know of that are run by stay at home moms (and one dad!):
Zerberts
SweetPea Ring Slings
Wrapstar
Carry Me With Love
NuzzleMe Creations

One of "those" parents!

Some people are blessed to know from the start what kind of parent they want to be.  But for most of us, we’re learning as we go.  We love our kids and try to do what we think it right for them.  We try to teach them right from wrong and instill qualities in them that will help them become successful and well-balanced adults later in life.  Every parent has their own ideas and methods on how to do this, but some of us are shocked to find ourselves grow and change as a parent as quickly as our little ones do.

Lucky parents know from the start that they will never lay their hand on their child in anger.  They understand that babies need to trust their parents to keep them safe and that leaving them to cry alone only destroys this trust.  They know they will let their child be who they are and give their child room to explore this world they live in.  But for some of us, these are things we’ve never even thought about.  For some of us, “attachment parenting” sounds like a dirt word, something unhealthy parents do to their kids to encourage them to be needy.  We don’t understand the principles of attachment parenting and confuse it with the clingy, coddled children we see that are too insecure to let mommy walk away from them for one second.  I knew I would never be one of those parents!

I always wanted kids and was so excited when it was finally our time to have a baby.  With the exception of a few things, I was very mainstream.  I knew I wanted to stay home to raise my kids, have a natural childbirth, breastfeed my baby for the first year, carry my baby in one of those backpack things, and use one of those neat cradle like dividers I saw in the store that let the baby sleep in the bed with you.  But I also knew that I would use spanking and time outs with my kids and that my kid would never behave like that in a restaurant!

Then I became a mother.  All of a sudden, things were so different now that it was my baby.  I looked at this tiny person who I was responsible for and knew I had to protect him from harm.  As time went on, my baby grew and so did I.  Over time, certain accepted and expected mainstream ideals no longer seemed as harmless as they once had.  Many of my definitions of harm changed as I changed.  Some sooner than others, but many only after lots of pain and regret.

Things seemed easier in the beginning.  I parented from the gut.  If it felt wrong, I didn’t do it.  But things got more complicated as my baby grew and started to “misbehave”.  After trying the more traditional methods, I decide that it just didn’t work for us and started trying to find other options.  I started hearing more and more about “attachment parenting” and started finding myself moving in that direction.    

Now, a mother of two, I proudly consider myself one of those parents!  My kids are sometimes loud in restaurants, they scream and fight with each other often, and I still struggle to grow as a parent on my journey to being AP.  But I know I can never go back to mainstream parenting.  I am amazed at how much I have changed and grown over the years.  My kids have been both my student and teacher as we learn from together what our family is going to look like.

I wish I had been one of the lucky parents that didn’t have to go through the tears and heartbreak to get to this point.  And sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how far I still need to go.  But I will never stop trying and am so grateful for the infinite patience and ability for forgiveness my children have with me.  And I urge every parent to follow to their gut in finding something that feels right for their family.  Don’t worry if you’re not one of those lucky ones, it’s never too late to start the journey!